Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
