Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
