just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
