Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
