So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So squirting runs in the family.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
