I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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