I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
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I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
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Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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