walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i out mim tonsoeep
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
