just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
