Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
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Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
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I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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