He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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