eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she looked like the before picture.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
