Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.