bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.