My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.