Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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