Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
