it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
