He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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