come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
