I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
