How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
