So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
