Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
