Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
