Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
