Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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