Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
