my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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