the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
