420 ftw
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
