you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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