He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
