This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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