I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
