I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
