I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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