my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
