Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
