nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
