doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
