the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
