I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just googled if crying burns calories
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
