Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
