She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
