my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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