new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
