I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize