I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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