i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
