i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
