do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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