we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
