I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
