in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
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Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
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A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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