For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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