If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
