Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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