Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
